Do you suddenly find yourself awakening in the night with a gnawing but nameless anxiety? Have you developed excess atomach acid, facial tics and split ends? Are you craving rare beef and organ meats? Do you feel a bizarre resentment of tall athletic people? Does the sight of a full moon, a pumpkin or David Caruso's head annoy you for reasons you can't explain? Are you angry at Les Moonves and it has nothing to do with Dan Rather or Julie Chen? Are you tearing out your own hair and then examining it for tags? Do you stare longingly and with much affection - at maggots? Does the end of winter fill with dread rather than joy?

If you answered yes to 2 or more questions, then you may be suffering from.....SCIDS!!!!!!!!
SCIDS - Sudden CSI Intermittent Deprivation Syndrome. An epidemic that is known to peak in late March in North America. Also known to occur in December and the summer months. More common in females. First identified by the WHO (World Health Org - if you thought immediately of the rock group, you are in the early stages - seek help)in 2001. Not considered fatal although some victims feel that life is not worth living. Symptoms worsen on Thursdays. Some victims report a hatred of presidential news conferences, Christmas vacations and especially - college basketball.

There is no cure. Not contagious - often, there is only one person afflicted within a household. Treatment is aimed at relieving symptoms. Suggested measures:

Repeat viewing of classic CSI episodes

Self help peer support - on Elyses board

Attitude of gratitude - recall the misery of life pre-CSI, when the word "decomp" had no meaning for you

Rental of movies featuring the CSI cast, old epsiodes of China Beach, ER, Different World

If this does not help try distraction therapy:
Clean out the crumb tray under your toaster oven

Go to WalMart and watch the new summer furniture arrrive

Alphabetize your spices, backwards

Go to your butcher and ask for a dead pig. Tell him you are having a luau. Place the pig in your garage and watch it decompose.

Walk up to strangers in restaurants and ask, very politely, "May I have your straw?" Place in a baggie, label, smile and walk away mysteriously.

Get a photo of Greg, circa 2001, and take it to your hairdresser. Say, "This is the look I want!"

Get on your knees with tape and search your carpet for fibers. Collect them and bag them. Then go to every neighbor's house and ask to do the same thing in their homes.

This disease is self limiting. You WILL survive. Usually lasts a few weeks so hang in there and know that other sufferers are here for you. We CAN defeat March Madness - AKA SCIDS!