Modern Day Sherlock

Season Five Quotes

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501  Viva Las Vegas
Greg: So there's good news and bad news. Good news is, this is the busiest lab in the country. Bad news is, this is the busiest lab in the country
Chandra Moore: That's why I'm here.
Greg: I waited for you forever. I LOVE you!
Sara: (to a mirror) So I had some time to think while I was away...enough time to figure out why I made such a stupid mistake. I do not have a drinking problem...I have a *me* problem. My P.E.A.P. counselor suggested that it would be a good idea for me to talk to my supervisor...and that's you...Grissom. (pause) I never told you about my family...I never told anyone about my family, why would I--  
Grissom: (to Greg) Did you get her blood yet?
Chandra Moore: What? Why?
Grissom: So many reasons.
Catherine: Grissom! You can't possibly call that thing *my* office. It's a cupboard!
Brass: [Grissom and Greg enter the crime scene] Hey, Gil. Oh, hey, you got something stuck to your shoe. Oh, no, it's just Sanders.
Sara: You are so late! What happened to you?
Nick: *I'm* late?
Nick: [about a half buried "alien"] One thing's for sure: it's gonna take a lot longer gettin' him out than it did gettin' him in.
Detective Travis: Can't you just beam him back to the morgue?
Catherine: (to Doc Robbins) You ever try shaking your ass in 4-inch heels? (pause) Don't answer that.
Grissom: It's okay to say you don't know, Greg. That's why we have a trace lab.
502 Down the Drain
Sara: (to Greg) I heard you finally lost your virginity. 
Sara: (clarifies)  First autopsy.  How was it?
Greg: It was fine.  How was your first time?  How did you react?
Sara: I puked.
Greg: I didn't puke.
Sara: Way to go, tough guy.
Greg: It was weird, seeing a body laying on a table like that.  Doc Robbins just pulling out his insides until it was all empty.
Sara: Were you expecting a ball of light?
Greg: Doc Robbins said, "That's all we really are."
Sara: It's what you do with it that counts.
Greg: What are you doing?
Grissom: Good.  You're here.  Fill this up for me, will ya?
[Grissom tosses him a specimen cup.]  
Greg: With what?
Grissom: It's a urine specimen cup, Greg.  What do you think?
Greg: Okay.
Greg: This is some kind of CSI hazing.  Make me appreciate blood and semen more.
Warrick: (to Sara) Put down your stuff and step away from the closet.
Sara: I don't have a death wish, and I'm not a drunk, in case you were worried.
Grissom: I'm not worried. I'm concerned.
Sara: Isn't that kind of the same thing?
503 Harvest
Catherine: How old would you say he is, Jimmy?
Jimmy Jones: Old. Like 30.
Warrick: Whew. That's a lot of perverts.
Nick: Get out of jail, come to Vegas.
Mia Dickerson: I was very thorough.
Grissom: Run it again, please.
Sara: Greg, you said you wanted to help out.
Greg: Well, yeah, with searching April's apartment...maybe finding the bad guy.
Sara: This counts as field work, you know.
Greg: Hmm. I'm smiling on the inside.
Sara: Dirty laundry or garbage? [before Greg can get a word in] You know what? You take the garbage.
504  Crow's Feet
Nick: Hey, uh, do you have a problem with me, doctor?
Dr. Malaga: Excuse me?
Nick: Well, there are two of us here and you're only addressing my colleague, so...
Dr. Malaga: Well, she's a very beautiful woman. (to Cath) You have Venus de Milo aesthetics.
[Nick takes a look for himself]
Catherine: We'll be getting a court order for Miss Stern's records...
Rory Kendal: I got the flu.
Sara: If that's true, then your urine will be sulfural-flouride-free.
Greg: But if you're lying, "urine" big trouble.
[while perusing a victim's house for anti-aging supplements]
Nick: You think these supplements really do any good?
Catherine: Why are you asking me?
Nick: I'm just asking a question, Catherine.
Nick: More lotions and potions.
Cath: You gonna ask me if this stuff works, too?
Nick: No...I'm gonna process the bathroom...
David: [walking in on Cath feeling Nick's arm muscle; he carries the victim's purse over his shoulder] Ahem! Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt--barge in...
Nick: No, no, it's alright, Superdave. Nice purse.
Nick: [noticing Catherine admiring other women in a plastic surgeon's office] You don't actually think you need this stuff do you?
Catherine: It's Vegas, Nicky. Everybody needs it
Nick: don't.

Grissom: Does it ever bother you that you make your living killing insects?
Exterminator: What kind of a question is that?
505  Swap Meet
Hodges: Good thing you dont have to take a spelling test to work the field. "Funtain" water?
Greg: My people are Norwegian. That's how we spell it.
Greg: She [Mia] blew you off, didn't she?
Hodges: The water from the fountain is heavily chlorinated. And, no, she
didn't blow me off. I didn't ask her out. But this sample found in your vic's lungs contains polymethaexalinebiguanide. And anyway, I heard she blew you off first. It's a chlorine alternative. It's less irritating.
Greg: Vanessa Keaton died in a pool.
Hodges: Or a spa. And by the way, that's spelled S-P-A in any language.
507  Formalities
Catherine: What are you doing?
[Grissom picks up the step-by-step illustrated instruction sheet for how to tie his tie.]
Grissom: (frustrated)  I'm going insane.  I don't understand this diagram.
Catherine: You don't need a diagram. 
[Grissom starts fiddling with his tie again.] 
Catherine: You need a woman. 
[Grissom enters a casino after stepping out of his speech at Ecklie's toast]
Officer: Hey, Griss ... what's with the monkey suit?
Grissom: I was at a funeral across the street.
Officer: At a casino?  My condolences.
[Grissom and Sofia Curtis process a casino hotel room]
Sofia Curtis: No beer or liquor.  Just water, yogurt, and OJ.
[Grissom looks up as Sofia continues to mutter to herself.] 
Sofia: Mixers, not for drinks ... maybe for drugs.  Right, "ph" in the stomach speeds the buzz.  I think there's narco around here somewhere.
Grissom: A-a-are you talking to me?
Sofia: No.
Grissom: Do you always process like this?
Sofia: Like what?
Grissom: With your mouth. 
Sofia:  Whenever I meet someone new, I always say their name out loud a few times. Keeps a picture in my head.
Grissom: Hm ... I thought that's why we had cameras.
Sofia: [after realizing that Grissom isn't paying attention] That time I was talking to you.
Grissom: What? Sorry.  I was, uh, treating it like white noise.
Nick: Hey, I heard Grissom stuck you with his speech.
Catherine: A napkin is not a speech.
Gavin: Look, my name is Gavin.  You got my license, check it.
Brass: No, no, it's "Rex," you know, as in Rx.  I guess it's a lot more subtle than "drugstore," right?
Ecklie: Oh, you know ... I'd love to get a copy of your speech. Just a little souvenir for my scrapbook.
Grissom:  (nods)  I'll get you a copy.
Ecklie: That'd be great.
[Catherine passes by in the hallway and stops.  She watches Grissom talk and answer himself.] 
Grissom: (to himself)  I'm thinking sheep. Merino. Fine wool for fine fabrics.
Catherine: Why are you talking to yourself?
Grissom: I'm trying a new technique.
Catherine: Is it working?
Grissom: I have no idea.
511  Who Shot Sherlock?
Greg: So are you going to say, "The game's afoot?"
Grissom: I didn't know you were a Conan Doyle fan, Greg.
Greg: I'm not. I saw a Sherlock Holmes movie mistake.
Brass: You know, I think you oughtta drop the accent.
Josh Frost/Moriarty: I can't. I'm English.
[Nick, standing inside a Jeep, jiggles the vehicle to make the (ballistic) jelly man wiggle]
Catherine: Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle. I get it.   
Catherine: (to Warrick and Nick) Congratulations. You killed the Jeep, but the victim's still alive.
Ecklie: Did I make a mistake promoting you?
Catherine: Yeah. Should've given me day shift. (lightly) But I'm makin' it work!
513  Nesting Dolls


Sara: (to Ecklie) The only reason this is your lab is because Grissom doesn’t kiss ass. You couldn’t hack it in the field. So you fail your way up, you break up our team, and now you just hang out in the hallways waiting for one of us to screw up!  


Nick: [reading from the listing of a mail-order bride] “I’m looking for kindest, noble man.” Well, I got news for you, Sugar Pants: buying women ain’t that noble.


Nick: (to Warrick) Hey, wait a minute. You’re not telling me you’re in to this [mail-order bride] stuff.

Warrick: Me? No. But, you know, for a guy who’s over forty…lonely…tired of the bar scene. Got a little cash...wants to buy himself a sweet honey to be his companion.

Nick: He needs a translator, ‘cause you’re not even speakin’ the same language.

Warrick: That’s the best part.

Catherine: (in disgust) Ugh! [turns and walks out of the room]

[Warrick chuckles]

Nick: (clueless) Bes—best part of what?


[Sara opens her door to see Grissom outside]

Sara: Well if you’re here it can’t be good.


Sara: I have a problem with authority. I choose men who are emotionally unavailable. I’m self destructive. All of the above…

Grissom: Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?  


Sara: It’s funny. The things you remember and the things that you don’t, you know. There was a smell of iron in the air. Cast-off on the bed and wall. There was this young cop puking his guts. I remember the woman who took me into foster care. I can’t remember her name—which is strange, you know, because I couldn’t let go of her hand.

Grissom: Well, the mind has its filters.

Sara: I do remember the looks. I became “the girl whose father was stabbed to death.” [long pause] Do you think there’s a murder gene?

Grissom: I don’t believe that genes are predictors of violent behavior.

Sara: You wouldn’t know that at my house. The fights, the yelling, trips to the hospital; I thought it was the way everybody lived. When my mother killed my father, I found out that it wasn’t.  



516  Big Middle


Nick: I don't get it. Grissom calls me up, I come here and I find you.
Catherine: Are you saying you don't like me as your supervisor?
Nick: Whatever.


Sara: It's not like you to get right down to business.
Hodges: Even I have off days, Sara.


[Woman grabs Grissom's butt. Grissom turns, in shock]
Woman: Fat girl, gay's not unheard of.
[Grissom turns and walks away]


Regina Owens: Men love purple.
Grissom: Do they?
Regina: It's "Purple Rain." [Grissom doesn't get it] Prince. Sexy. Custom color. You want it for the wife?
Grissom: I'm not married.
Regina: Girlfriend?
Grissom: Nope.
Regina: You want one?
Grissom: (winks) Yes, I do.  


[Sara and Grissom are preparing a weighted dummy on a pulley]
Greg: How much does this weigh?
Grissom: 240 pounds at the moment. We'll increase the weight incrementally until you can't move.
Greg: Well, I can't lift that. (to Sara) And if I can't, you can't. (to Grissom) This is a safety issue.
Sara: Well, that's what the pulley is for, Greg. So relax and lie on your back.
Greg: [lying down] You know, this is exactly like a dream I had once. Except, it wasn't in a garage and Grissom wasn't watching--that was a different dream.

Quotes Courtesy of

CSI: The Night Shift